The first thing you notice is your heart racing.
The thump, thump, thump of it is loud in your ears. The next is the throbbing of your blood, rushing through your body. Sweaty palms, tears in your eyes. The room starts spinning. You’re short of breath. Wishing that you could run and hide. After, your hands are shaking. Spots in your vision. Your body is singing with adrenaline and fear.
This isn’t how you wanted it to go.
You thought you could handle this. You thought this wouldn’t happen. Your demons wouldn’t follow you. But they do, they always do. In the corner of your eyes, at the back of your mind. Never ending. They’re always there, always lurking. In the dark corners of your existence. Crawling over your body, itching their way closer, clawing into your heart and soul and mind.
Hands around your throat.
Until you can’t breathe. You can’t see. You can’t find your way out. You’re stuck. The ground is rising up, you’re sinking, sinking into the depths of quicksand. Scream and scream as you might, you’re drowning. Dragged under the depths, until there is no light in your eyes. No light in your sight. And then, you welcome the darkness.
You have no other choice.
The grey cloud walks around with a heavy heart and back. It does not smile or laugh or play. Its teary eyes and trembling body is weak with misery. It cannot understand happiness.
The grey cloud hasn’t been happy for a long time. It feels pain, remorse and fear most of the time. The grey cloud’s friends do not understand. How can a cloud be so sad? When it can soar the heavens and greet the sun. When it can look upon the ground and watch as the day’s sunlight dawns and rises.
The grey cloud wonders the sky and thinks that no one loves it. No one wants a grey cloud. People complain when they see it. The rain, they say will wet their clothes and hair and faces. There is no place in the world for the grey cloud.
The grey cloud feels blue a lot of the time. It looks at the other clouds and wonders how can they be so happy? How can they smile and play? The grey cloud wonders and wonders. But what the grey cloud does not realise is that, whenever it goes, its friends follow. The grey cloud does not feel loved. But it is.
The grey cloud cries sometimes and when those drops litter the ground, it wonders if anyone actually cares. It cries a lot sometimes. An ocean full of tears. Sorrow so deep that it breaks apart and falls into smaller grey clouds. A sadness that runs so close to the grey cloud’s heart. A deep grey that cannot be cured overnight.
But at night, when the grey cloud sleeps, when the tears dry and the white clouds surround their friend, a small, tiny bit of warmth creeps into the grey cloud’s heart.
And for one night, the grey cloud feels loved.
He smelt like apples and tasted like sunshine. He smiled like the whole world was pure and good and true, just like he was.
But you ruined him. You took away his warmth and his joy. You took away the spark that ignited his heart and set him free.
You took away the one good thing you had in your life and you turned him grey.
Just like he had done to you.
She doesn’t remember much about him. She can’t picture his smile or hear his laugh. He has become a distant memory, lost amongst many. A treasured dream that has long since been forgotten.
He could have been her forever. He could have been the man waiting at the end of the line. The man waiting at the altar. But he wasn’t.
She wonders sometimes, what happened to him. Did he find happiness? Did he find what he was looking for? She wonders if he wonders about her.
He probably doesn’t.
He was always doing something. He lived for the thrill, for adventure and fun. She did too. But there comes a point where your body fails you and you have to let go.
He didn’t want to.
So, she did for him.
It’s been forty years. And though his blond hair has faded from her sight and his smile has been lost, she still remembers those eyes.
As deep as the ocean and light as the sky. She always said it was like he could see into her soul. They were beautiful and dangerous. The mix often threw her heart into a racing fit. She wonders if hers did the same to his. She wonders and wonders.
When she sees him again, he stares at her and she stares at him. They’ve spent a lifetime apart and yet the pull is still there. They don’t say anything, they don’t need to.
Just being able to see his eyes again is enough.
Where did you go, dear friend?
Did you venture out into space?
Go on all those adventures you’d talked about?
Did you see the stars and kiss the angels you’d dreamed of?
I hope you did,
I hope it was all worth it,
‘Coz, it’s terribly lonely down here without you,
And I miss you every day.
If you ever want to land,
Rest your tired feet,
You’ve got a home with us,
Just be safe,
I know I’ll see you someday,
Either in this life or the next.
Whatever it may bring,
I know we’ll meet again.
It never mattered to me, how you looked.
It never mattered how much money you had or where we went. All I wanted was to be with you. But that wasn’t enough for you, was it?
You wanted more.
Until you’d sucked me dry and left behind a shattered shell of the woman you’d known. And I was discarded, wasn’t I? Like ruins. Like scraps of meat. Just someone you used to know. Someone you used to kiss and hold. Someone you said you loved and would never hurt or take advantage of.
But you did.
You did all those harsh and cruel things.
And you did so, without blinking twice.
It felt like love, lying in your arms,
But it wasn’t, was it?
It was all a lie.
You didn’t really love me.
I was a play thing,
A game, something to forget about,
Just a toy for you to use,
Until you got bored that is.
When you decided, she was better than me,
When you thought, I was nothing,
Worthless, you said.
A whore, you said,
A bitch, you said,
As you messaged her and kissed her goodnight,
As you made love to her and pushed me out the door.
Good luck, I thought,
For your fortunes, would soon change,
What comes around, goes around, they said,
You just didn’t expect it to catch up to you so fast.
Ding, ding, ding, I won,
You cheating bastard.